Taking Responsibility for Others & How to Stop It

Taking responsibility for others – something I’ve encountered in my coaching practice way too often

Taking responsibility for others or being overly responsible for others’ well-being can lead to neglecting one’s own needs and emotions. While this tendency may reflect underlying personality traits and behaviors, it is especially common among women and people who generally struggle with boundaries.

I personally came up with this topic idea because I’ve encountered over responsibility tendencies time and time again in my clients in my coaching practice and training. What’s more, I realized that I also take too much responsibility for others sometimes.

In this blog post, I will briefly touch upon the many facets of responsibility, where it comes from, and the solutions available to achieve balanced responsibility. I will end with an exploration of how responsibility is relevant to coaching and how it presents itself in the coaching relationship.

What it means to be overly responsible

Being overly responsible for others usually means that you put others’ needs before your own. It might also mean that you care too much about what others feel and think, and how they perceive you.

What does it feel like?

Being overly responsible usually feels draining and exhausting. You may feel overloaded and overwhelmed, and you may feel like you don’t know where you stand most of the time. You might also feel guilty if you stand up for yourself and put your own needs first.

Signs you are over responsible

1. You are the person people seek out

You are seen as competent and capable, and people seek you out for help and advice. You usually stay on top of all the things that people expect from you. While this may be healthy and feel good at times, it can backfire and make you feel guilty when you realize you can’t be everything everyone expects you to be.

2. You put others’ needs first and give more than you take

There will be times where putting others’ needs before your own feels good and right. However, when you start neglecting your needs over others’ all the time, it becomes unhealthy.

3. You say yes when you want to say no

Sometimes you have to say yes even when you want to say no because it’s important for your career or relationships. However, notice how many times you say yes when you can say no. What keeps you from saying no?

If you are saying yes more times than you say no, perhaps something needs to change.

4. You feel emotionally overwhelmed

Taking too much responsibility can make you feel emotionally overwhelmed to the point where, if something goes wrong, you feel all the weight on your shoulders.

5. You feel exhausted but you can’t stop

You know you have taken on too much and said yes way too often. You may feel drained and exhausted but for some reason you can’t stop these habits.

6. You feel resentment and annoyed that others are not as responsible as you are

Resentment is a clear sign that your needs are not being met. If you feel this complicated emotion, stop for a second and ask yourself: What need is not being met here? What can I do to meet that need for myself?

7. You say sorry more than most people

For fear of hurting others’ feelings or for fear of others not liking you, you tend to say sorry a lot, even when it’s unnecessary.

8. You listen more than you share and have trouble asking for help

You may always listen to and be there for others but find it hard to share your problems or talk about yourself. This may have a big impact on your social life and relationships. As a result of poor boundaries, you may find it hard to enjoy social interactions and you may retreat or isolate yourself as a protection against over responsibility.

Where to draw the line: responsibility on a spectrum?

It might be difficult to decide where to draw the line on the responsibility spectrum. If you like visualizing things like I do, you might see a spectrum where on the one end there is a complete lack of responsibility (for yourself and others) and on the other end there is total responsibility. Being on one of the two ends might be damaging, for yourself as well as others. So where do you draw the line? How much is too much responsibility? Where is the middle ground? Is it even possible to achieve?

Personality traits matter

If you are asking yourself these questions, you are not alone. However, everyone’s answer might differ, and that is because we all have different kinds and levels of energy. Some people are more outgoing and extroverted while others are more introverted and need more time alone to recharge and feel 100%. If you don’t know whether you are an introvert or extrovert that’s okay too. With time maybe you will figure it out. For now, however, just observe how much time you need to recharge after a social interaction or gathering for example, and how much time you spend alone vs with friends. Notice how you feel after socializing – do you feel depleted or energized? If you feel depleted, is it because of the people or the activities? Is it because you took on too much responsibility?

Reflection is important. Understanding if you are an introvert or extrovert can help you figure out (at least partly) why you enjoy giving your energy to others so freely, and why you tend to take up too much responsibility for others. In some cases, reflection might also help you see in which areas you need to improve. Are you being overly responsible and always putting others’ needs as a priority, or are you taking good care of yourself and your energy as well?

Where it comes from

Being overly responsible might stem from different things and different life experiences. It might come from societal or parental influences/pressure, culture, traumas, as well as one’s own beliefs and assumptions about responsibility and what that means.

Unmet needs in childhood

One of the major causes of over responsibility in adulthood is having unmet needs in childhood. Unmet needs can alter the view you have of yourself, making you believe you don’t matter or won’t be loved for who you are.

Perhaps as a child, you were forced to take on more responsibility than was appropriate for your age. Or perhaps, you learned that your needs were a hindrance because they never got any attention or were downgraded each time you expressed them. To avoid feeling pain, you may have learned to push your own needs aside and instead turn to those of others, ensuring everyone else was happy and okay.

If you experienced emotional neglect as a child and your emotional needs were left unmet, you may now keep your feelings to yourself and seek love and acceptance through self-sacrifice. If you need anything, you may fear rejection, abandonment, and others thinking less of you.

Some underlying beliefs

If I am not responsible for others, they will not like/love me
I need to take responsibility and make sure others’ needs are met before my own, otherwise it’s selfish
By taking responsibility I can avoid conflict or rejection
By putting others’ needs before my own I feel worthy and helpful
When I take into account what others need and want, harmony is more likely
If I put my own needs before the ones of those I care about, I am scared they will abandon me or think badly of me
Taking responsibility for something I am not responsible for allows me to be more in control

If you would like to stop your over responsibility habit, it is important to become aware of the beliefs and fears that keep it alive. When being overly responsible has served you in the past, it is easy to attach your self worth or value to it, and hard to detach from it.

Following are some practical strategies to find a more appropriate balance of responsibility.

What to do

Finding a balance and setting boundaries

As in everything in life, achieving balance is ultimately the thing that serves us the most. Applied to responsibility, balance is this idea of yes, caring about others’ needs and well-being, but also making sure that this doesn’t mean you are not taking care of yourself. It is one thing to be considerate, but it is another thing to lose yourself in the process. Saying yes when in reality you want to say no, or making sure everyone is happy although you are not, is doing more harm than good to your mental and emotional well-being.

Making others happy and being available is important indeed – afterall, we are social beings. However, do not over do it. If your energy is high enough that you think you can do everything a person asks you to do then do it. But if the overload is simply too much for you on some days, communicate it and let the other person know. Remember that the level of respect others give you is a reflection of the level of respect you give yourself.

If you struggle with saying no and setting strong boundaries, then my next blog post “Boundaries” is for you.

More tips to overcome over responsibility

Self-care

If you grew up with unmet needs, it may be difficult to know what self-care is for you and what things or activities actually bring you joy. Because we were never taught how to check in with ourselves, we may also find it hard to define what brings us comfort and safety. Journaling your thoughts and feelings can be an amazing way to get to know yourself and what you need.

Asking for help

Practice accepting and/or asking for help even though it feels uncomfortable. Know that your over independence or desire to be self-sufficient is part of being over responsible and it is what keeps you from forming deeper connections.

Allow yourself to rely on others for support. Healthy relationships require you to express your needs. This is not selfish; it actually allows the other person to get to know you better and help you when you need it the most. Similarly, if someone offers to do something for you, say yes. You are not a burden to them. By letting others help you, you are allowing them to enjoy the same positive feelings you experience when helping others.

Emotional intelligence

In our individualistic society, emotions often have a negative connotation. We learned that negative emotions are to be avoided and that they push people away. Negative emotions such as anger or sadness may also feel scary. Indeed, we may fear that if we stop and surrender to them, they may never go away. However, the opposite is actually true.

Emotions foster connections more often than not and, it may sound cliché, but the only way out of a tough situation is through. Emotions are energy in motion. So let your emotions move!

Cognitive empathy

Don’t take others’ distress and make it your own. Learn to balance emotional empathy with cognitive empathy – which is when you simply take on another’s perspective to understand what they are thinking and feeling. Don’t always take their feelings with you. You have your own feelings to deal with.

Self-compassion

Be compassionate as you shift your level of responsibility and give people time to adapt to this new version of you. Don’t be scared of losing people in the process. People who are meant to stay will stay, and remember that we only outgrow people when we outgrow a version of ourselves.

Be proud of the smallest achievements and steps forward. If setbacks occur – which is normal – and you find yourself taking more responsibility than you should again, ask yourself what you can learn from such setbacks.

Set boundaries

Start saying no to things or people you don’t want in your life or that don’t feel good. Give the responsibilities back to their owners and define what you are truly responsible for. You are in no way responsible for others’ reactions or emotions. You don’t have to fix everyone all the time. If you feel highly responsible in a specific situation, try listing all the people involved. You may realize that there is more shared responsibility than you think. Do yourself a favor, take some of that weight off your shoulders!

Responsibility in coaching and the coaching relationship

Taking responsibility for others is often seen as a good thing. It means that you care about the people around you and their well-being. In other words, you are altruistic. However, taking responsibility to the point where you are neglecting your own needs and mental health is not healthy.

In my coaching journey and relationships, I have learned that helping clients realize that they are fully responsible for their life and decisions is key. I have equally learned that I should not, as a coach, feel overly responsible for the outcome of a session (whether the desired outcome is reached or not). The client, once again, has the freedom and responsibility to choose which direction to take in a coaching session. As a coach, you just follow and dance along. Not because you don’t care, but because you are handing the power back to the client. You are giving them the chance to choose what they want and how they want to get there.

You can try as much as you want to take responsibility for “solving” your clients’ problems or help them see things differently. But people can only meet you at the level of depth to which they have met themselves. In other words, if the client is not willing or ready to see things differently, it is not your job to force a change in perspective. Let others do the work at their own timing. Eventually, they will get to where they need to be. And because you allowed them the space and time to get there on their own, it will be much more empowering and fulfilling to them.

A coaching power tool to conclude

In coaching, it is also possible to use a power tool to help clients shift their perspective from one of disempowerment to one of empowerment. The power tool is responsibility vs blame. The idea behind this power tool is that, whenever the client is in a position of blaming others for something that has happened, you can help them shift their mindset so they take their responsibility back. At the end of the day, we all have responsibility to decide for ourselves and how we want to live our lives. Whatever happens, we have responsibility over an outcome or situation (or at least over how we react).

NB: This blog is for informational purposes. I am in no way a licensed therapist or mental health professional. All information comes from my own experiences, coaching education, and online research.