Boundaries

We are rarely taught how to set boundaries, which is why as we grow older, we may find it difficult to do so. Boundaries are present in any situation involving other people. This means you will have to identify what your needs and wants are and communicate them to your friends, partner or family members. Keep in mind though that your boundaries might be different with different people. That is, the boundaries you have with your friends might be different from the ones you set with your partner or coworkers.

Keeping this in mind, let’s dive deeper into what boundaries are, what types of boundaries exist, why they are important, and how to set them for yourself and your well-being.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are physical or emotional limits, based on time or space. They are like fences that give people privacy and safety. It was shown that if people don’t learn how to set clear, healthy boundaries as children, they will likely experience some difficulties setting boundaries as adults.

There are three main types of boundaries:

Clear boundaries – are directly stated, flexible and adaptable
Open boundaries – are not clear but enmeshed, which can result in codependency and unmet needs
Rigid boundaries – are closed and inflexible, which means that it can be harder for someone to express individuality and communicate their needs

Boundaries can also be:

Sexual

When a boundary would avoid you feeling pressured to give or receive unwanted intimate affection

Physical

When a boundary would help you keep a physical distance from someone, not greet everyone with a kiss or hug, or cancel plans with a friend if feeling depleted

Emotional

It may be important to set an emotional boundary when someone shares something emotional with you without your consent, or when someone belittles your feelings

Mental

As in accepting that everyone has different ideas and beliefs, and not invalidating someone just because of such differences

Material

As in not giving in when forced or pressured to give something of value away

Time

When the demands from different areas of life (e.g. family and work) are unreasonable and you take on too much at the same time, it may be helpful to have a time boundary in place

Why are boundaries important?

Whether it’s a friendship, romance, or professional relationship, it is important to set boundaries to protect one’s identity and respect one’s own well-being. Boundaries give others a clear idea of how you would like to be treated, letting others know what is acceptable and unacceptable for you. They also honor your wants and needs, and make those clear to everyone around you.

On the other hand, a lack of boundaries can lead to emotional and physical fatigue, especially if you have to deal with negative people and behaviors.

The benefits of setting boundaries

Improved self-care
Clear expectations for others
Less stress
Less resentment
Improved relationships
Improved mental and emotional health
More autonomy and balance
More self-respect and respect from others

How to set boundaries

Your boundaries, and what you consider as “crossed” boundaries, will change based on your values, culture, beliefs, and family traditions. Nevertheless, this is what you can do to set clear boundaries at any time:

Goal setting – reflect on the reasons for your boundaries and why they are important for you to set
Focus on the small steps – especially at the beginning, when setting boundaries can be hard and uncomfortable
Clarity – be clear with your intentions in setting a boundary; also, the sooner you set a boundary the better
Practice – practice setting boundaries and communicating them
Keep it simple – just pick one thing at a time and focus on making that clear for others

Know yourself and your limits

The best thing you can do before setting boundaries with anyone is to get to know yourself and set the limits that serve you (not others). Pay attention to how you feel and react in every situation, as well as to the physical sensations. Oftentimes, if something feels off or uncomfortable, it is because one of your boundaries has been crossed and someone has passed your limit. Respect that and make sure you let the other person know.

Communicate

If something doesn’t sit right with you, don’t wait too long before communicating it. If a person is crossing your boundaries, it is your job to stand up for yourself and tell the other person where your limits lie. Communicating boundaries is at the foundation of all healthy relationships.

Boundaries in coaching

Boundaries are very important to set in coaching. As a client and coach form a relationship and set an agreement, having clear boundaries as to what a coach’s role vs client’s role is is very important. This will avoid future disappointments and misunderstandings.

What’s more, just as it is important for a coach to have boundaries and let the clients know, it is equally important to identify and understand your clients’ boundaries. Forcing someone into something (e.g. a change in behavior or perspective) is never the best solution. It can actually lead to resentment and withdrawal. Hence, becoming aware of your clients’ boundaries as a coach will likely improve your coaching sessions and increase your clients’ satisfaction.

Conclusion

Recognize that you are allowed to set boundaries for yourself, and that your relationships might improve as a result of that. By setting clear boundaries you will be better able to preserve your energy and use it in more effective ways.

Lastly, you are allowed to have boundaries and you don’t have to feel guilty about it. If someone cares about you and respects you, they would want to know what you need to feel safe. Remember, the world is not a better place when we ignore our own needs for the comfort of others. Boundaries are not optional; they are necessary.