I personally came up with this topic idea because I\u2019ve encountered over responsibility<\/strong> tendencies time and time again in my clients in my coaching practice and training. What\u2019s more, I realized that I also take too much responsibility<\/strong> for others<\/strong> sometimes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In this blog post, I will briefly touch upon the many facets of responsibility<\/strong>, where it comes from, and the solutions available to achieve balanced responsibility<\/strong>. I will end with an exploration of how responsibility<\/strong> is relevant to coaching and how it presents itself in the coaching relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Being overly responsible<\/strong> for others<\/strong> usually means that you put others\u2019 needs<\/strong> before your own. It might also mean that you care too much about what others<\/strong> feel and think, and how they perceive you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Being overly responsible<\/strong> usually feels draining and exhausting. You may feel overloaded and overwhelmed, and you may feel like you don\u2019t know where you stand most of the time. You might also feel guilty if you stand up for yourself and put your own needs<\/strong> first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You are seen as competent and capable<\/a>, and people seek you out for help and advice. You usually stay on top of all the things that people expect from you. While this may be healthy and feel good at times, it can backfire and make you feel guilty when you realize you can\u2019t be everything everyone expects you to be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There will be times where putting others\u2019 <\/strong>needs<\/strong><\/a> before your own feels good and right. However, when you start neglecting your needs<\/strong> over others\u2019<\/strong> all the time, it becomes unhealthy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes you have to say yes even when you want to say no because it\u2019s important for your career or relationships<\/a>. However, notice how many times you say yes when you can say no. What keeps you from saying no?<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you are saying yes more times than you say no, perhaps something needs<\/strong> to change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Taking too much responsibility<\/strong> can make you feel emotionally overwhelmed to the point where, if something goes wrong, you feel all the weight<\/a> on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You know you have taken on too much<\/a> and said yes way too often. You may feel drained and exhausted but for some reason you can\u2019t stop these habits.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Resentment<\/a> is a clear sign that your needs<\/strong> are not being met. If you feel this complicated emotion, stop for a second and ask yourself: What need<\/strong> is not being met here? What can I do to meet that need<\/strong> for myself?<\/p>\n\n\n\n For fear of hurting others\u2019<\/strong> feelings or for fear of others<\/strong> not liking you, you tend to say sorry<\/a> a lot, even when it\u2019s unnecessary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You may always listen<\/a> to and be there for others<\/strong> but find it hard to share your problems or talk about yourself. This may have a big impact on your social life and relationships. As a result of poor boundaries<\/strong><\/a>, you may find it hard to enjoy social interactions and you may retreat<\/a> or isolate yourself as a protection against over responsibility<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It might be difficult to decide where to draw the line on the responsibility<\/strong> spectrum. If you like visualizing things like I do, you might see a spectrum where on the one end there is a complete lack of responsibility<\/strong> (for yourself and others<\/strong>) and on the other end there is total responsibility<\/strong>. Being on one of the two ends might be damaging, for yourself as well as others<\/strong>. So where do you draw the line? How much is too much responsibility<\/strong>? Where is the middle ground? Is it even possible to achieve?<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you are asking yourself these questions, you are not alone. However, everyone\u2019s answer might differ, and that is because we all have different kinds and levels of energy. Some people are more outgoing and extroverted while others<\/strong> are more introverted and need<\/strong> more time alone to recharge and feel 100%. If you don\u2019t know whether you are an introvert or extrovert that\u2019s okay too. With time maybe you will figure it out. For now, however, just observe how much time you need<\/strong> to recharge after a social interaction or gathering for example, and how much time you spend alone vs with friends. Notice how you feel after socializing – do you feel depleted or energized? If you feel depleted, is it because of the people or the activities? Is it because you took on too much responsibility<\/strong>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Reflection is important. Understanding if you are an introvert or extrovert can help you figure out (at least partly) why you enjoy giving your energy to others<\/strong> so freely, and why you tend to take up too much responsibility<\/strong> for others<\/strong>. In some cases, reflection might also help you see in which areas you need<\/strong> to improve. Are you being overly responsible<\/strong> and always putting others\u2019 needs<\/strong> as a priority, or are you taking good care of yourself and your energy as well?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Being overly responsible<\/strong> might stem from different things and different life experiences. It might come from societal or parental influences\/pressure, culture, traumas, as well as one\u2019s own beliefs and assumptions about responsibility<\/strong> and what that means.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One of the major causes of over responsibility<\/strong> in adulthood is having unmet needs<\/strong><\/a> in childhood. Unmet needs<\/strong> can alter the view you have of yourself, making you believe you don\u2019t matter or won\u2019t be loved for who you are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Perhaps as a child, you were forced to take on more responsibility<\/strong> than was appropriate for your age. Or perhaps, you learned that your needs<\/strong> were a hindrance<\/a> because they never got any attention or were downgraded each time you expressed them. To avoid feeling pain<\/a>, you may have learned to push your own needs<\/strong> aside and instead turn to those of others<\/strong>, ensuring everyone else was happy and okay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you experienced emotional neglect<\/a> as a child and your emotional needs<\/strong> were left unmet, you may now keep your feelings to yourself and seek love and acceptance through self-sacrifice. If you need<\/strong> anything, you may fear rejection, abandonment, and others<\/strong> thinking less of you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you would like to stop your over responsibility<\/strong> habit, it is important to become aware of the beliefs and fears that keep it alive. When being overly responsible<\/strong> has served you in the past, it is easy to attach your self worth or value to it, and hard to detach from it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Following are some practical strategies to find a more appropriate balance of responsibility<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As in everything in life, achieving balance is ultimately the thing that serves us the most. Applied to responsibility<\/strong>, balance is this idea of yes, caring about others\u2019 needs<\/strong> and well-being, but also making sure that this doesn\u2019t mean you are not taking care of yourself. It is one thing to be considerate<\/a>, but it is another thing to lose yourself in the process. Saying yes when in reality you want to say no, or making sure everyone is happy although you are not, is doing more harm than good to your mental and emotional well-being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Making others<\/strong> happy and being available is important indeed – afterall, we are social beings. However, do not over do it. If your energy is high enough that you think you can do everything a person asks you to do then do it. But if the overload is simply too much for you on some days, communicate it and let the other person know. Remember that the level of respect others<\/strong> give you is a reflection of the level of respect you give yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you struggle with saying no and setting strong boundaries<\/strong>, then my next blog post \u201cBoundaries<\/a><\/strong>\u201d is for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you grew up with unmet needs<\/strong>, it may be difficult to know what self-care is for you and what things or activities actually bring you joy. Because we were never taught how to check in with ourselves, we may also find it hard to define what brings us comfort and safety. Journaling<\/a> your thoughts and feelings can be an amazing way to get to know yourself and what you need<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Practice accepting and\/or asking for help even though it feels uncomfortable. Know that your over independence or desire to be self-sufficient is part of being over responsible<\/strong> and it is what keeps you from forming deeper connections.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Allow yourself to rely on others<\/strong> for support. Healthy relationships require you to express your needs<\/strong>.<\/a> This is not selfish; it actually allows the other person to get to know you better and help you when you need<\/strong> it the most. Similarly, if someone offers to do something for you, say yes. You are not a burden<\/a> to them. By letting others<\/strong> help you, you are allowing them to enjoy the same positive feelings you experience when helping others<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In our individualistic society, emotions often have a negative connotation. We learned that negative emotions are to be avoided and that they push people away. Negative emotions such as anger or sadness may also feel scary. Indeed, we may fear that if we stop and surrender to them, they may never go away. However, the opposite is actually true.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Emotions foster connections more often than not and, it may sound clich\u00e9, but the only way out of a tough situation is through. Emotions are energy in motion. So let your emotions move!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Don\u2019t take others\u2019<\/strong> distress and make it your own. Learn to balance emotional empathy with cognitive empathy<\/a> – which is when you simply take on another\u2019s perspective to understand what they are thinking and feeling. Don\u2019t always take their feelings with you. You have your own feelings to deal with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Be compassionate as you shift your level of responsibility<\/strong> and give people time to adapt to this new version of you. Don\u2019t be scared of losing people in the process. People who are meant to stay will stay, and remember that we only outgrow people when we outgrow a version of ourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Be proud of the smallest achievements and steps forward. If setbacks occur – which is normal – and you find yourself taking more responsibility<\/strong> than you should again, ask yourself what you can learn from such setbacks<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Start saying no to things or people you don\u2019t want in your life or that don\u2019t feel good. Give the responsibilities<\/strong> back to their owners and define what you are truly responsible<\/strong> for. You are in no way responsible<\/strong> for others\u2019<\/strong> reactions or emotions. You don\u2019t have to fix everyone all the time. If you feel highly responsible<\/strong> in a specific situation, try listing all the people involved. You may realize that there is more shared responsibility<\/strong> than you think. Do yourself a favor, take some of that weight off your shoulders!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Taking responsibility<\/strong> for others<\/strong> is often seen as a good thing. It means that you care about the people around you and their well-being. In other words, you are altruistic. However, taking responsibility<\/strong> to the point where you are neglecting your own needs<\/strong> and mental health is not healthy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In my coaching journey and relationships, I have learned that helping clients realize that they are fully responsible<\/strong> for their life and decisions is key. I have equally learned that I should not, as a coach, feel overly responsible<\/strong> for the outcome of a session (whether the desired outcome is reached or not). The client, once again, has the freedom and responsibility<\/strong> to choose which direction to take in a coaching session. As a coach, you just follow and dance along. Not because you don\u2019t care, but because you are handing the power back to the client. You are giving them the chance to choose what they want and how they want to get there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You can try as much as you want to take responsibility<\/strong> for \u201csolving\u201d your clients\u2019 problems or help them see things differently. But people can only meet you at the level of depth to which they have met themselves. In other words, if the client is not willing or ready to see things differently, it is not your job to force a change in perspective. Let others<\/strong> do the work at their own timing. Eventually, they will get to where they need<\/strong> to be. And because you allowed them the space and time to get there on their own, it will be much more empowering and fulfilling to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In coaching, it is also possible to use a power tool to help clients shift their perspective from one of disempowerment to one of empowerment. The power tool is responsibility<\/strong> vs blame. The idea behind this power tool is that, whenever the client is in a position of blaming others<\/strong> for something that has happened, you can help them shift their mindset so they take their responsibility<\/strong> back. At the end of the day, we all have responsibility<\/strong> to decide for ourselves and how we want to live our lives. Whatever happens, we have responsibility<\/strong> over an outcome or situation (or at least over how we react).<\/p>\n\n\n\n NB:<\/strong> This blog is for informational purposes. I am in no way a licensed therapist or mental health professional. All information comes from my own experiences, coaching education, and online research.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Are You Overly Responsible? Actually Seeing Yourself Through Fresh Eyes<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n 7 Signs You Are Overly Responsible for Others<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\nWhat it means to be overly responsible<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
What does it feel like?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Signs you are over responsible<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
1. You are the person people seek out<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
2. You put others\u2019 needs first and give<\/a> more than you take<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
3. You say yes when you want to say no<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
4. You feel emotionally overwhelmed<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
5. You feel exhausted but you can\u2019t stop<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
6. You feel resentment and annoyed that others are not as responsible as you are<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
7. You say sorry more than most people<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
8. You listen more than you share and have trouble asking for help<\/a><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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Where to draw the line: responsibility on a spectrum?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Personality traits matter<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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Where it comes from<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Unmet needs in childhood<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Some underlying beliefs<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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What to do<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Finding a balance and setting boundaries<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
More tips to overcome over responsibility<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Self-care<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Asking for help<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Emotional intelligence<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Cognitive empathy<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Self-compassion<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Set boundaries<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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Responsibility in coaching and the coaching relationship<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
A coaching power tool to conclude<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
References<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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